July 2004

Article in the Register Herald by Bev Davis with Hamlet's thoughts on divorce.

BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO

1st

Article in the Register Herald by Bev Davis with Hamlet's Thoughts on Divorce.

BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO

Therapist: 'Divorce creates more problems than it solves'

By Bev Davis/REGISTER-HERALD SENIOR EDITOR

Married couples who see divorce as an easy way out of their conflicts need to be reminded of a hit song of a few decades ago - "Breaking Up is Hard To Do."

"When people come into my office and say they've decided to get a divorce, I point out the hardships ahead in taking that course," said Hamlet Smith, director/therapist with Life Strategies in Beckley. "I believe a couple is in for far more hardships by breaking up and trying to build new relationships than they would have if they stayed together and worked things out."

First, Smith pulls out a sheaf of statistics that raise the eyebrows of the couple seated before him.

Many realize that 50 percent of all marriages now end in divorce.

What really gets their attention, Smith said, is that 60 percent of second marriages fail. If stepchildren are involved, the divorce rates go up to 66-70 percent.

"When a couple considers breaking up, they don't realize that won't solve the problems they're having," Smith said. "If they haven't learned to solve the conflicts that arise in this marriage, they're not likely to figure out how to do that with the conflicts that come with the next marriage."

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Couples also carry a lot of "baggage" from one relationship to another, Smith said.

"Each person has to learn to deal with his or her own emotional makeup and their way of handling conflicts and solving problems. Some people think if they just get a new partner, everything will be fine. It won't. You have to deal with the root of the problem, and you have to figure out how to solve problems as a couple," Smith said.

New conflicts will arise when couples who go their separate ways remarry new spouses and inherit stepchildren, he said.

"Parenting your child is one thing. Parenting someone else's child is a whole different ball game," Smith said. "That brings a whole new set of potential conflicts into the mix."

Then, there's the whole matter of dealing with a new spouse's ex-spouse, the therapist said.

"Whether you realize it in the beginning or not, you will have to deal with both your former spouse and that of the next person you marry. Then, things really gets complicated," Smith said.

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He advises couples to explore every possible avenue that leads to staying together.

"God's Word is clear that His plan is for one man and one woman to build a home together. I firmly believe every married couple should do all that is in their power to do to keep their marriage together and to build on what they have," Smith said. "Obviously, there are difficult issues, such as sexual abuse of children, that may lead to divorce despite all of the best efforts."

Quoting Matthew 19:4-6, Smith went on to say, "at the beginning the Creator made them male and female and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh' So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

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Putting the premise into practice takes work - lots of work, but the end result will be a more solid relationship that can continue to grow through the years, Smith said.

That does not mean, however, life is over for a divorced person, Smith quickly pointed out.

"You can resolve your problems in your second marriage, but you have to understand it will be difficult. It will get harder, and you will only be successful if you resolve the conflicts from the first marriage," he said.

Couples who've taken his advice have come back with impressive success stories.

"People who have been willing to work on their own personal problems and work together on the problems they have as a couple find a new level of intimacy and honesty that makes their relationship more solid than ever before," Smith said.

- E-mail: bdavis@register-herald.com