What you say to a child - especially when he or she has done something wrong - makes an indelible mark, a local family therapist said.

By Bev Davis/REGISTER-HERALD SENIOR EDITOR

Children take personally what is said to them, particularly when a parent is angry or upset with them. In this photo illustration, Danielle Young appears to listen intently to her mom's words of correction. Parents should always distinguish between the behavior and the child, a local family counselor said. (C.L. Garvin/The Register-Herald)

"Proverbs 12:18 says, 'Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.' It's vitally important that parents think before they speak, especially in a situation that may need to involve correcting a child. Children believe what their parents tell them, so we want to be careful that we tell them the right things," said Hamlet Smith of Life Strategies Counseling in Beckley.

Sociological studies show children tend to become what they are told they are. Self-fulfilling prophecies, such as "you're a failure" or "you're bad" become imprinted on the child's mind, and behaviors begin to follow those labels, Smith said.

"It's important to distinguish between the behavior and the child. Tell the child that something they've done is wrong, but don't link the behavior to their identity. Tell a child that hitting a sibling is a bad thing to do, but never tell the child he or she is a bad child," Smith said.

Parents should also be realistic when giving a child compliments. "Instead of telling a child he plays golf like Tiger Woods, tell him if he keeps up the good work he might one day play as well as Tiger Woods," Smith said.

Praise the child's efforts with statements such as, "I know you really tried hard" or "I can tell you've really worked hard cleaning up your room."

Avoid being sarcastic when complimenting a child. Don't say, "I can't believe you finally cleaned up your room."

Never pit your children against each other by making insulting comparisons, such as "You're much smarter than your sister."

"Children take things we say very literally. It's always a good idea to think about what you're going to say and make sure the child understands your meaning," Smith said.

Smith listed 10 things parents should say to their children and 10 things they should never say to them:

Say

- You can do it!

- That's thoughtful of you.

- I love your father/mother.

- If you keep that up, you'll be a success ... in whatever the child is trying to accomplish.

- I'm proud of you.

- You're just like your mom/dad/uncle, etc. - only when it's meant in a positive way.

- You're a great listener.

- What a great attitude!

- You obey so well.

- I love you. (Your child needs to hear this one as often as possible.)

Never say

- You're just like your dad/mom/uncle, etc., when meant in a negative way.

- You're never going to amount to anything.

- You're not big.

- I'm ashamed of you.

- You're going to end up in jail.

- You're ugly, fat, lazy or any other negative adjective.

- You always have such a terrible attitude.

- You never listen.

- You're just a dumb kid.

- I hate you.

- E-mail: bdavis@register-herald.com