Family conflict is inevitable, especially among siblings.

By Bev Davis/REGISTER-HERALD SENIOR EDITOR

Hamlet Smith, director and therapist at Life Strategies in Beckley, advises parents to use teaching and example to help children learn to deal with conflict. Sibling rivalry is normal and offers parents the perfect vehicle for teaching children how to settle their differences without resorting to violent words and behavior. C.L. Garvin/The Register-Herald

Different temperaments will often collide, and a normal competitive spirit can turn into a shouting match in record time.

"A proverb of Solomon says, 'a brother is born for adversity' (Proverbs 17:17). When the chips are down, we need our brothers and sisters, If, however, sibling rivalry is uncorrected throughout childhood, there's a good chance that brother is not going to want to be there for us," said Hamlet Smith, director and therapist at Life Strategies in Beckley.

Wise parents can take opportunities to use sibling rivalry to help children learn to handle conflicts without resorting to violent behavior, he said.

"As parents, we have a wonderfully exciting role in our children's lives. We can be the ones who shape them the most. Children will mold themselves into just about whatever environment you place them in. It's up to us to shape the environment of their lives into one that helps them resolve their problems in the right way," Smith said.

The nature of sibling rivalry changes as children age.

He listed the following guidelines for helping young children resolve conflict:

- Start when they are young. Most of our personality is shaped by age 6. The easiest time to shape the clay is while it's still wet. Young children can learn concepts about resolving conflict in a good way. Speak their language and be clear in your instructions. Make sure they understand what you are asking them to do and refrain from doing.

- Model honest communication. Parents can work out their differences in front of children in the respectful manner they want their children to use in resolving their differences.

- Use conflict as a training tool. Don't try to squelch all conflict. Parents can model ways to handle a difference of opinion without name-calling, shouting and hostile behaviors. Conflict is one of the most powerful allies you can have to teach children about the real world. It's how you handle that conflict that makes all the difference.

- Set clear guidelines for conflict. It's not OK to use physical intimidation, unless another family member's safety is being threatened. Tell the other person what you need. For example, one child should tell another, "Don't take my toy." Communicate what you want or need from the other person. It can set boundaries that will help stop some of the conflict.

- Encourage children to work things out. Don't do everything for them. Coach them as they work together to reach a compromise or settle their differences.

- Level the playing field. Teach older and more responsible children not to take advantage of the younger ones. When a child abuses power, he or she should be disciplined.

- Praise them for success - even partial success. Appreciation is one of the easiest ways to shape your young child's behavior. They want to please you, so let them know when they've done something well. Praise them for showing kindness, consideration, for sharing and for exhibiting good ways of avoiding or handling conflict.

- Be consistent. It takes consistent corrective measures over the long term to effect lasting changes in children's communication patterns.

- It's not perfect, but direction. Recognize the fact your children will not always "get it right," and you, as a parent, won't always get it right. The important thing is that you are consistently moving in the right direction.

- Be patient. Parenting is tough, and it's largely a matter of trial and error. Be patient with yourself and with your children. Don't give up. Faithful teaching and setting a good example will pay off in time.

- E-mail: bdavis@register-herald.com