A good marriage starts with the Golden Rule, but couples soon learn putting the time-honored tradition to work requires practice.

By Bev Davis/REGISTER-HERALD SENIOR EDITOR

It doesn't hurt to contemplate how your marriage is working from time to time. Fixing the little problems before they mushroom can keep the relationship running smoothly. Mark and JenaRae Judd of Harper Heights say maintaining a good relationship takes commitment and hard work. Steve Brightwell/The Register-Herald

"If you practice habits of success before the hard times come, then you'll know what to do," said Hamlet Smith, a therapist with Life Strategies Counseling in Beckley.

The biblical principle, "Do unto others what you would have them do unto you," involves living in an attitude of respect for a spouse's needs and fostering a desire to protect them, Smith said.

These 12 strategies can provide a foundation for making the guidelines work when a difficult situation arises:

- Presence - Give your full attention to your spouse. The gift of physical presence says, "I accept you. I value you." You need to spend time with your spouse with and without your children. Don't lose the sense of being "a couple."

- Talking - This is more than exchanging amenities. Make some time to talk every day and catch up on the day's events. Lapses in communication open the door to speculation and feelings of being ignored. Share hopes, dreams, successes and failures. Ask the tough questions. Ask the question that's most on your mind.

- Accept the other person for who he or she is. You don't have to accept what they are doing - the way they might be acting during a conflict - but you need to accept their individuality and their perspective.

- Set boundaries - Let your spouse know what is OK and what is not. Use clear statements, such as "It hurts my feelings when you say ..." or "Stop doing that." Expressing your feelings can keep resentments from building up and resulting in misdirected anger later on.

- Play - Find a hobby you can both enjoy and then run it in the ground. Do it often.

- Pray - Seek direction from God together. Don't be embarrassed to pray aloud in each other's presence. You will learn a lot about your spouse's spiritual needs and wants through listening to their prayers.

- Discuss and decide together - Make decisions together, not with Mom and Dad. Deal with your spouse. Don't bring other people into it. Keep discussing until you can make a decision. Phyllis Diller once said, "Don't go to bed mad - stay up and fight."

- Emphasize the positive. - Nobody likes a nag. Remember, the word rhymes with hag, sag and gag.

- Be habitually honest - Tell the truth about how you feel. Don't tell your spouse something is OK with you if it isn't. This doesn't mean stabbing people with the truth. Speak the truth in love. Be tactful, but be truthful.

- Neglect the whole world, but don't neglect each other. - If you have to put something else aside to spend some time together, your sacrifice will be well rewarded.

- Apologize when you are wrong. - Do it quickly and completely. Take ownership of your actions. Don't say, "I'm sorry you took what I said that way." Say, "I'm sorry for what I said or for how I said it."

- Practice your skill in handling conflicts when the stakes aren't so high. - Learn to respectfully disagree about small issues like where to eat or what to do on Saturday. Learning these skills will help you work through the tough issues when the pressure is on.

- E-mail: bdavis@register-herald.com