Candlelight, chocolate and cappuccino may help to arouse passion as relationships start, but they need to be joined quickly by communication, connection and commitment if a relationship is going to continue to grow, a Beckley Christian counselor said.

By Bev Davis/REGISTER-HERALD SENIOR EDITOR

Jason and Andrea Naff enjoy a romantic Valentine's Day dinner. Keeping romance alive involves a combination of commitment, communication and connection, along with some embellishments like candlelight, chocolate and cappuccino, a local family counselor says. (Lew Whitener/The Register-Herald)

"For your fire to stay lit as a couple, it must be tended regularly," said Hamlet Smith of Life Strategies Counseling.

He punctuated his point with a Bible verse - "Better is a dry crust of bread with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife." (Proverbs 17:1)

Many couples do not anticipate changes that occur in a relationship, he said.

"A lot of couples get married, and they just assume that because they love each other, they will just sail through any problems that arise and that they will always feel the way they do in the beginning. They're surprised when the relationship begins to seem less exciting, and they feel frustrated when conflicts come," Smith said.

Getting the communication, connection and commitment going simultaneously in a marriage requires some hard work, Smith said.

"Good communication takes work. Marriage takes work. Each member of the couple needs to be willing to work on staying connected and committed," Smith said.

Good communication involves telling your partner how you honestly feel about the events happening in your life. This kind of honesty is a foundational building block in the communication process, Smith said.

"We all want to know we've been listened to - that someone has heard what we said. All of us need that affirmation that what we say is valued as being important, especially to our spouse," Smith said.

Giving feedback by paraphrasing can help ensure your thoughts have been understood correctly, he said.

"Summarizing in your mind and repeating back what your partner said is the only sure-fire way to let them know that you were listening," he said. "You don't have to agree with what they said, but you need to acknowledge what you understood them to say."

When it comes to connecting as a couple, time communicates acceptance more than anything else, Smith said. "If you want to take your relationship to the next level, you will mark out large portions of your busy schedule to spend undivided time with your partner. That means without children or your mom and dad."

For those who argue they can't find the time, Smith said the frequency of extramarital affairs in our society proves people are finding time to spend with someone.

Couple need to create time. Taking up a hobby together can help couples block in regular time to spend sharing a common interest.

"Taking walks together can be a fabulous way to get exercise and connect with one you love," Smith said. "The point is, you have to make time and spend time together as a couple so that you can continually be nurturing the relationship."

Commitment seems to be a lost word in the American vocabulary today, Smith said.

"Every couple needs to decide, up front, that when they have a problem, they will work on it until it's resolved. Phyllis Diller once said, 'Don't go to bed mad - stay up and fight.' Stored-up anger is always at the root of marital separation," Smith said.

Sticking to the marriage vows means overcoming the day-to-day frustrations before they accumulate and become insurmountable mountains, he said.

"To love, honor, and cherish can be shipwrecked over time if your day-to-day frustrations are allowed to build to Titanic proportions. Get used to forgiving and being forgiven," Smith said.

Get rid of grudges quickly, he added.

"Holding on to past issues long after you've been forgiven will drive a wedge between you and your partner that's hard to remove. Loving and laughing can happen as your relationship matures - if you do the work."

But don't forget the romance, he added.

"Keep the candlelight, chocolate, and cappuccino in the picture. Just don't count on them to take the place of the work involved in keeping your relationship solid," Smith said. "Let them be the embellishments that make the marriage more enjoyable."

- E-mail: bdavis@register-herald.com