Spending time together helps families build strong ties

By Bev Davis/REGISTER-HERALD SENIOR EDITOR

Jonathon, Joey, Kaitlynn, Kim and Isaac Beckett play a board game at their Cool Ridge home. "Families have to spend time together in order for children to figure out who they are and where they fit in this world," said Hamlet Smith of Life Strategies. (Photo by C.L. Garvin/THE REGISTER-HERALD)

Caught in the hectic pace of the 21st century, family schedules are often too crowded to allow for quality time together.

The remedy lies in creating a set of strategies for making family time a priority, a Beckley therapist said.

"Life is about relationships. Our identity comes from who we know and how they feel about us," Hamlet Smith of Life Strategies said. "It's vitally important for children to grow up with a strong sense of identity, and the best place is within the family unit. Families have to spend time together in order for children to figure out who they are and where they fit in this world."

A child's identity quest begins with questions such as: How do my parents feel about me? Am I smart, desirable, funny etc.?

"When families aren't connected, children have to go someplace else for that identity. It is most often their peer group," Smith said. "All of us understand how incredibly powerful it is to be accepted or rejected by our peers."

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The second deficit of failing to have strong family ties is the loss of the ability to communicate respectfully, Smith said. "Without a sense of belonging in a family, children will lack of understanding about manners and etiquette. They will not get the necessary training about how to handle their emotions. They need to learn how to respond to and express emotions such as anger in a healthy way."

Children who grow up in strong families develop more security, he said, because they know where they stand with their parents, and they know what the boundaries for their behavior are. Without those boundaries, children become insecure.

"Children want limits and boundaries," Smith said. "Limits enforce peace. Don't we all want a double helping of peace? A lack of clarity or fluctuating boundaries reinforce confusion and anger. If your child is frequently angry, chances are they are getting mixed messages about what's OK and what's not."

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Smith suggested the following ways families can spend more time together and build stronger relationships:

-- Set aside blocks of time to be with your children.

-- Consider dropping an extra activity to spend more family time together. Even good activities such as church outings can rob valuable time from your family.

-- Touch, hug and kiss. Warmth is often expressed without words. A hug can say, "I accept you," like few other things can.

-- Talk about your children's futures in bright, hopeful terms. Use statements such as, "When you grow up you're going to be a great dad because you take such good care of your brother." Picking out things that children are doing well and praising them quickly builds an atmosphere of gratitude in the home.

- Schedule at least one family meal together each week and make no exceptions.

-- Daily supper together would be ideal and provide time for everyone in the family to catch up on one another's day.

-- Read the Bible and pray together as family. You don't need a degree in religion to pick up a Bible and read to children. All of us can grow though this experience. You don't have to say "religious-sounding, long-winded prayers." You can start by just saying thank you God for ... and fill in the blank with whatever is pertinent.

-- Plan a family game night. Play games that are "face to face" interactive such as checkers, Monopoly, dominoes, Yahtzee or rummy.

-- Turn that TV off periodically. Resist the urge to define family fun by renting a movie or watching a show. Americans watch an average of at least seven hours of television a day - more if you count Internet surfing and video games. We can free up so much time for talking if we do this. If you are going to watch TV, watch the same things. At least you can talk about it when the show is over. Take the TVs out of the kids' rooms.

-- Schedule walks, one-on-one time with children, weekly activities that provide time for family recreation and a relaxed time for interacting as a whole family.

- E-mail: bdavis@register-herald.com