It's supposed to be the most romantic day in the year.

By Bev Davis/REGISTER-HERALD SENIOR EDITOR

Paul Rankin and his fiancee, Cara Peterson, share a romantic moment in honor of Valentine's Day. The Beckley couple are to be married in three weeks. (C.L. Garvin/The Register-Herald)

Yet, for many couples, the romance is gone.

There may be many reasons for the loss of that special sparkle that comes in the early days of love, but a Beckley therapist listed some of the most common culprits.

"Unresolved anger is one of the biggest deterrents to romance," Hamlet Smith of Life Strategies Counseling said. "Bitterness and resentment can dump a huge bucket of ice water on romance. It's nearly impossible to treat someone with kindness if you are blaming them (for) your own unhappiness."

Anger usually begins with small things that go wrong. If a couple fails to recognize it and talk about it and work through those initial issues, the resentment can grow to a point that it becomes a wall between the two people, he said.

"Couples need to be committed to calmly talking through things that irritate them. They may need to postpone that talk to a time when both can be more calm and more objective.

"Don't wait too long, though. Anger's negative effects begin almost immediately," Smith said.

The fear of rejection can interfere with romantic notions.

"If spouses' best attempts at romance have failed to produce satisfying results in the past, they may be less inclined to stick their neck out again. Both partners can help each other by providing an atmosphere of exploration and acceptance," Smith said.

Addictions, such as gambling, greed, pornography, romance novels, drugs, overeating, sports, television or any obsessive behaviors, can close off opportunities to make intimate time with your spouse, this therapist said.

"It may be difficult to confront this behavior because addictions die hard," he said.

"Avoid nagging, but be willing to be politely honest about how you feel about your spouse's behavior. For difficult addictions, it may take multiple people confronting the issue to make an impact."

The demands of today's hectic lifestyles can kill romance, Smith said.

"You have to sit down as a couple and budget some time alone with your partner. Resist the urge to define your leisure time together as watching television. Try something more interactive - like a board game or hobby. Drinking tea or coffee together from special cups may help to symbolize your exclusive time together."

Couples need to work at keeping the romance alive, Smith said. "Either partner can lapse into the wasteland of apathy, and it's easy to do. Through sheer boredom and laziness, we can slip into destructive patterns of relating to our partner. Keep short accounts with each other to avoid this unpleasant stagnation. Take weekly and monthly times to ask, 'Do I like the way we have been treating each other?'"

- E-mail: bdavis@register-herald.com